Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Out the Window

I'm not sure if tonight was good or bad. I went dancing as usual, danced a bunch and learned some new stuff. What little Salsa I know went to poor use dancing with a guy I'm not fond of dancing with... and my nightclub steps more or less suck still. My head was just not into it tonight.

Early in the evening, Emily acquired a guy's lanyard and quickly passed it off to me. Between dances, he attempted to figure out where it was, but we were too sneaky. So he took matters into his own hands, picked Emily up, and tried to put her out a second-story window. I vainly rushed to the aid of my fearful roommate, her legs dangling in the breeze... actually, she was pretty cool with it and was holding conversation with a girl near her head. The guy and I were negotiating a truce. He eventually agreed to put my roomy down if I gave him back his precious lanyard within three minutes. Oh sure, okay, yeah...um, no. Realizing his mistake in letting Emily go, he came after me. I immediately took to the floor - it's hard to get hurt falling when you're already on the floor - and he had to wrestle me into his arms and up over the window sill where I promptly got queasy and had to hold on for dear life. I went limp, he pushed more... long story short, I agreed to give back the lanyard within another three minutes else I truly fear for my life. Three minutes passed, and I successfully negotiated a last waltz in exchange for his lanyard.

Socially awkward. To say that I'm a social moron would be a gross understatement. I don't know how to start a conversation, what to say, how to say things... I don't know what to do or when to do it... my roommates are flirty and sweet and cute--they get the boys. It is rather frustrating to be "the ugly one" most of the time. When faced with a social situation, I'd much rather be alone in the woods than with people where I have to react and respond and be something I don't want to be. For example, tonight, I know that "stealing" something from a boy is a "good" thing to do. He'll get it back eventually; it's just a bartering tool. But when it comes to knowing how far to push, how to act, how to be flirty and coy at the same time... these games I can play, but they feel really fake. Is it better to have physical contact with a boy even though he's trying to force me out a window, or is it better to simply be me? Are these petty games worth playing? I hate that I am socially inept, but there is little I can do at this point to rally against my own ineptitude, and I'm really tired of being "the ugly one." This is not a jealousy issue, rather it is a simple frustration.

Don't know if tonight was good or bad, but most of the rest of the day wasn't too good, so I'm inclined to say it wasn't a good night either. I almost went out the window!

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