Thursday, May 25, 2006

Social Warfare

I am bitter and frustrated due to a certain individual, and then partially another person for assisting the first jerk.

He doesn't care about me at all--which is fine, people don't have to like me--but he seems to care at times, only now I see through the lies and perfidious fa├žade. I gave him control over me in a backhanded way, and he has used it wrongly and for his own gain (which is partially my own fault). He uses me as a source of entertainment, a weekly gossip-fest of his own creation. Furthermore, he stands in my way of something important, something I have so long desired and is finally within my reach, and I am denied such grand things merely at his say-so. I'm completely unaware of what I have done to deserve such scorn and contempt. While I am willing to talk with him about things, he avoids me at every possible opportunity, refusing to even look at me--which makes open and honest conversation impossible. He may think he is my friend, but how can I be friends with someone who treats me so poorly?

Why am I so angry at him for attempting (and succeeding) to control my social life? Because being social has always been extraordinarly difficult for me, because I want so dearly to be included, because the other person agreed and helped him succeed in discluding me.

Am I justified in my anger? Most certainly. Granted, he has the right to select who he does or does not hang out with, but I have done nothing wrong to him. I do not understand why he feels the way he does. As with his right to chose his company, I have the right to do what I want with my friends. The problem lies in the fact that we have several of the same friends--so he doesn't want me around him or them when I have every right to be there too. And the fact that another person would agree to help him out by not including me--not out of loyalty, but out of amusement: they don't invite me so they can talk about me! If I am to be a source of entertainment, I demand that I am at least present to defend myself. Right to bear arms, right to trial by jury, right to face my accusers... it's in the Bill of Rights!

What do I seek? Understanding and open, honest communication (no lies, no agendas). I also want my social life unhindered by him--I want the opportunity to go out and have fun with my friends regardless of him.

So long I've wanted what I am so close to having, and will lose as school ends anyway... its important to me to be as social now as I can be, to get out and DO things, BE with people, laughing and having fun... and yet I am home, alone, again... I don't want to invite myself along on these outings, that wouldn't be proper at all, so I'm really confused and bitter about the whole thing.

1 comment:

Munaz said...
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