Monday, June 05, 2006

Attached

Has this all really been for naught? Will I walk away from school, from this friendship, from someone with nothing? What did I get out of this experience? Was it worth it? Was trying so hard, being selfless, being myself worth it? Did I have fun? Did I learn anything?

It wasn't all for nothing, but I can't say I gained a whole lot out of this relationship. A potentially continuing friendship, but nothing more. It seemed pretty one-sided, and I'm glad I gave it my all, behaved well, and succeeded in at least a few attempts, but I'm not sure it was all worth it yet. I hope so. I did have fun, probably more fun that I've had in a long time.

Then why do I feel so incredibly disappointed, abandoned, defeated, and let down?

Because I got attached. My own fault... but what can I do?

God, I know you're listening... thank you for this opportunity, this opening in my life, the smiles and laughs. You know the words I can't get out, so take them from me, understand that I want so much what I know I'll likely never see again. However desperate that sounds, I would rather wait and know I have found something true than trying to make something against Your will work. Thy will be done--I am holding to my faith, and I will wait. But I hope You know I won't like it...

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