Thursday, June 01, 2006

More Confusion, Less Control

I was reminded yesterday why I do not want to move back in with my parents. The event was innocent enough, but still, it was a solid reminder. My family all has their hair cut by the same woman; she is the only person besides Mom or me to have ever cut my hair. Mom went to get her hair cut yesterday and thoughtfully made an appointment for me to get my hair cut during Finals Week, and she offered to pay for it as well. Unfortunately, the only final I have is when she scheduled the appointment. So I called her to thank her and let her know I'd have to call our hairdresser and reschedule. I had planned on calling yesterday to make an appointment for "as soon as possible," but when Mom heard that, she launched into a tirade, "no, you have to make it for that week or I'm not paying for it. I want your hair to look good for graduation and the party." First, I can't wait that long--my bangs will be down to my nose--and secondly, I need at least a week of grow-out to make my hair look good for graduation. So I rescheduled for the Friday before Finals Week, hoping this would smooth things over and make everyone happy. Probably won't, but whatever. I don't want to sound unthankful because I really am--Mom was just trying to help. But in her backhanded way, she coldly reminded me why I do not want to move home: control over my own life and decisions, let alone a haircut.

Yesterday was Emily's 22nd birthday, so we went to Clod's to celebrate. Her friend came, as did Tony and Jeff. Was a laughing good time out, a few drinks (water for me), and much fun. Emily and I went dancing afterward, and OH did we dance! Emily had a birthday dance, a Hustle, and I hope she had fun... I know I did! :) Did so much dancing--was more sweaty than the boys, but I LOVED IT. Right up until Anthony fell on me and crushed my arm and pelvis with his bony ass. I know something in my back popped, and I am pretty sore today. Not sure if I'll survive ;)

Seeing how much I do not want to move home, do not want to live by myself, and can't really afford a place by myself in this town, I may be accepting Emily's parents' offer to live with them for the summer. Would put me in a new place, give me new opportunities, new friends... I'm seriously considering this option at the moment. Dad seemed receptive; Mom remains my biggest hurdle. The Olympics got nuthin' on my mom...

I know I'm too nice... people regularly take advantage of me. Not talking anything physical, no, I'm not stupid. But my kindness, time, and generosity often are pulled out from under me. Not by one person, but most people that know me well. Because they know I won't get mad. I have no problem giving all that I can to whomever I can, especially to those I care about... but it is frustrating when people take so callously and without thought as to how to return the favor. I don't do things expecting payment. But I wouldn't mind someone being as nice to me as I am to my friends. Example: Even though I knew something really, really bad about someone that I already didn't like, I helped him through a rough spot and tried to help him do something that I knew would hurt me in the long run. He found out later that I knew the whole time about the bad thing and was totally blown away that I'd stand there and help him with a smile on my face. I don't ask to be appreciated or loved - people either will or won't do that on their own. I'm just saying... this being nice thing isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Is it possible to have really high self-esteem and a really low self-image at the same time? I know I'm pretty cool and have an incredible body - know this for certain. Why do I then think so little about myself sometimes? Because I'm not hearing it from others? Is it possible to understand something fully and not believe it at the same time?

My coworker kindly took me out for hot chocolate this morning, a gesture I am not accustomed to. We walked into the coffee shop and I spied one of my blogger friends. Seeing him made me happy, but the fact that he greeted me with a wave AND a huge smile really made me feel good. Nobody ever seems happy to see me, so that was special. Michael: sorry I didn't run over to say hi, no excuses... hope you are getting through your huge to-do list and getting enough (any) sleep. Thank you for making me feel... good. :)

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