Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Selfishness

*AUTHOR NOTE: This post has been edited from the original version which appears in grey.*

I started writing a really long blog post about selfishness, but I generated more questions than answers in the process. No matter what I wrote, I found myself twisted back to my own experiences and how I might have acted differently. I'm sure it comes as no shock to my friends, but I can be pretty selfish. Looking out for one's interests, in my own defense, is a rather innate thing to do. However, I do realize my tendency and work at correcting it as much as possible. Perhaps the one thing I can't find myself doing often is taking advantage of my friends. I'd never dream of inviting myself over or not repaying a courtesy or kindness. The thought appalls me. To use someone, especially a friend, for personal gain... well, it's just not right.

And now I know why. I was recently used in such a fashion, not once, oh no, several times. I'm sure I garnered at least some benefit in the process, although looking back, I understand I gained less than I first thought. In truth, I gained a considerable amount. I learned much about the person I want to be, how I manipulate a situation, and how I drive people away. I wanted a good friend, a kind and funny friend that shared humor and family values and adventure. Truly, I gained exactly this sort of friend. Unfortunately, blinded by my own desire, I found someone willing to prey upon my kindness, my limited cooking ability, and my common courtesy. This would not have happened if I'd said no. The fault, therefore, lies within my own actions and not his.

I feel misunderstood, like I never really communicated what I wanted out of the situation--things weren't what they seemed. The hard part is, I don't even want anything from this person now... no apology or repayment... it would do me no good. Given the chance to do it all over again, I'd probably put up a thicker skin and would make him work for more. No regrets, though. I don't regret being nice, for being kind...

In his own words, "I don't like to invest in things unless I'm sure I'll get what I want out of it." Well, I hope he got what he wanted... because I'm sorely disappointed with him. I am so much more disappointed with myself for a wrathful tongue I have not yet curbed entirely. I seek forgiveness for this selfish post and vow to refrain from blogging again about the situation or individual.

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