Friday, August 11, 2006

Shoes, Religion, and Forgiveness

My new ballroom practice shoes arrived today, finally. They are very tight and will take some breaking in, which I am not used to at all. I generally refrain from purchasing shoes that aren't absolutely perfect the instant I step into them (Merrell shoes are sooooo nice). But these should be really comfy soon... if they stretch out... quickly. ow. ow. *grunt*

I have long refused to blog about religion. My faith isn't something I talk about much, certainly not publicly via a blog. However, religion has weighed heavily on my mind for several weeks, and I feel the need to write something in here about this. I'm not seeking God--I am Christian and found God a few years ago (in an adult sense, far earlier as a child). Part of me desires fellowship, other people that believe as I do, that live a similar lifestyle. But part of me is scared of organized religion. Maybe it's because I wasn't taken to church growing up, maybe it's because church-going people haven't always acted very Christian toward me... I'm scared. My faith is strong, but it's kind of lonely in a sense. It would seem to me, that, hearing this type of plea, good Christians everywhere would be willing to assist me in my yearning. I am wholly disappointed in the lack of interest my "good Christian" friends have shown. I must thank Preacher Matthew for his support and guidance, though... he has been my light for so many years, always helping and never pushing unless he knows I need it. Thanks, Matthew. :)

Forgiveness comes very easily to me, at times too much so, as previously noted. I have but one "enemy" on this earth, and he did wrong me considerably. Forgetting how awfully he treated my friends, loved ones, and especially me, I would be a fool. I was previously able to say that I forgave him, and I did, though something continued to nag at me. I knew I didn't forgive him completely. This week has brought about a large chunk (hopefully the last) of forgiveness toward him. If we, as humans, are to be known by the enemies we keep, let it be known that I have none. I do not desire to be his friend, but I wish him no evil. My heart is healing, slowly, and I do forgive him.

...I'm not allowed to sit by a window when I am supposed to be working on something. I keep getting distracted by the tree across the street. It's green. The wind is blowing. Little pieces of black, charred grass rain down upon my freshly-washed car. I swore I wouldn't wash it until field burning was over... the wind picks up, fragments of orange and red leaves show through under the bright yellow-green. It's almost not summer anymore. Refocusing my eyes closer, I can make out the green twist-tie and rubber bands Mom used to tie up a windchime that made too much noise. It sways like a stick in the hot sun, covered in soot, one pendular motion. I don't know why she didn't take it down; would have been less effort. The tree distracted me. Sorry.

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