Sunday, October 29, 2006

Still Growing Up

Sometimes I have a hard time liking the way I look. Ordinarily, I do a pretty good job of standing at a mirror and saying to myself, "You know what, I look pretty good today. I like who I am, and I'm healthy and happy. That's good enough for me today." But then there are those days where someone says something or an event occurs that makes me think twice. I recently encountered one of these events, and while it seemed harmless and trivial at the time, it kinda stung and really sunk in later. People tell me to think better of myself, of the way I look, about my body, etc. I realize what they're saying. There are just those times when *I* don't like me regardless of other opinions. Is this wrong? Is it okay to want to change the way I look when I know I look okay in the first place? Sure, I'm no supermodel - two inches too short for that. I'm no mud fence either. I never really felt the push to conform to societal standards before now (and I'm in my twenties), so I'm feeling a bit out-of-place, depressed, and wary of the unhealthy ideals I face.

I've always lagged behind in my emotional development. Part of me is a little scared that some "teenage" things are finally catching up to me. Physically, I think (hope, pray) that I'm done with adolescence and those awful years of not knowing who I am. Okay, I know who I am, just not what I want, or how to afford that. :) It is a little scary though, knowing that I'm emotionally not up to par with other people my age. I don't really know how to change that. It's weird, I tell ya! Mentally, sometimes I feel like I'm much older than I am. People tell me I talk like I'm older, relate much older than my age. Physically, well, I'm right on target with my slowly-aging body. Spiritually, I'm a mixed bag of knowns and unknowns, but I don't think that ever has or will change... the more I know, the more I know I don't know. And I'm okay with that. But emotionally, I fear I'm missing something. Compassion? Fear? Risk? Love? Trust? More growing up to do... still, and again. Bear with me.

1 comment:

Mom of Three said...

You're missing time. That's all.

I am going to turn 40 in two months and I wish I would have appreciated how good I looked at 20. But I didn't. So I try to tell myself that I look better now than I will at 60. So enjoy it.

The rest gets better. More things become clear, you care less what others think, you come into your own. In that sense I'd never go back.