Tuesday, November 28, 2006

I'm Un-Growing

Ever have one of those days where you see someone or do something early in the day and then the whole day just sucks? No matter what I did today, after my drive to work, it was not a good day. The drive itself wasn't terrible. I nearly slid off the road once in town, but the highway was tolerably slick. I definitely think people are overreacting just a little...

Mom is breathing down my neck about the Praxis test and finding out whether I really needed to take it (rumor has it that I didn't need the last part of the last test that I just retook). I love leading, love showing people how to do things, and I do enjoy teaching very much. I don't know what I want to do with my life, and I don't know how to convince her that I don't know yet. I don't know what to say to anyone to explain that I don't know what I want to do with my life. I have goals and aspirations, sure, but they are not "must haves" as much as, "you know, that would be really neat if it happens." I recently found out that I'm qualified to be a forensic scientist for the State of Oregon. Not a pretty job, but definitely something to think about. But I feel like every time I mention, "hey, I might want to try doing that," my parents force me into and won't let up about the subject. Just because I think about it or explore the idea doesn't mean I want that to be my only life. Do I want to teach? I know it would be a great opportunity, but I know I don't know enough yet to be a good teacher (because I refuse to be a bad one). Do I want to get my license and teach next fall? Honestly, no, I'd rather work for a while. Mostly... I just want to earn and save up enough money to move out, to live on my own, to make my own decisions.

"My friend/coworker/mother/brother's wife's ex-husband's cousin's daughter is a teacher, you should talk to them about teaching." Somebody, please, get me a gun! I realize people mean well, but if I feel the urge to talk to a teacher, I know teachers. I, too, went to school and learned from teachers, just like everyone else. I have friends who are teachers, and my mother is more than willing to get me talk to every teacher she can find.

Another thing I've noticed since I've moved home is that I find myself identifying less and less as an adult. I don't make my own decisions. I consult my parents about everything. If I'm going to stop at the store on the way home, I call and tell them, even if it is for a quick stop. If I have a question, or if I need something, or... sometimes I forget that there was a time when I would have solved the problem myself. I'm forgetting how to rely on me for things. For a while, I was an individual with an opinion (a respected opinion), but I can't say that I am as much an individual now as a child that works instead of plays.

I realize I'm supposed to have this huge store of faith in myself, some confidence to get me through the rough spots, the ability to look at myself in the mirror and say, "you're okay." But the truth is, I'm not that strong all the time. And that makes me sad.

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