Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Bad Cherries

There is an individual in my life that makes me feel awful about myself. Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do to change him or the situation, save removing myself from it. Even worse, I knew this is how it would end a long time ago.

It all started with a different person (let's call this person 'Henry'). Henry and I met under some unusual circumstances but became friends quickly. We dated, sort of, and throughout our friendship, he lied to me, used me, and even failed to give me common courtesy at times. I thought I could be a sense of direction for him, the light that helped him find himself, find a better self. In the process, I lost part of me: some innocence. It took everything I had to walk away from him. Henry and I parted ways quietly, and as much as it hurt, I'm so very glad he's not my friend now. Still, I cannot escape Henry--he is friends with some of my friends. The worst part of it is that, when we do talk, I feel as though I'm making a pact with the devil. He makes me not like me.

Fast-forward about a year to "Adam." Adam and I were really close for a few months, and then without warning, he turn-coated. He claims to want to be my friend, but the pattern seems to be repeating itself. The dropped phone calls, the avoidance... through his actions, words, and overwhelming disloyalty, Adam makes me feel the way Henry used to make me feel.

Many people place a high price on different virtues, but loyalty, to me, is most important. I've surrounded myself with truly good people. My friends are amazing, wonderful friends, loyal to the end. I suppose I only have a few very good friends for that reason... the loyalty I demand is hard to stand up to. I don't know what I'm doing to push these boys away. They claim to want to be my friends, and I'm absolutely willing to be there for them. But I will not stand here, again, to be trampled.

Sometimes I think being married or dating is easier than being friends, because as "just friends," we think we can back out at any second and not be friends anymore. Friendship, just like any other relationship, takes time, loyalty, and commitment. Henry wouldn't give me the time. And now Adam...

Martin Luther King Jr. probably said it best, "In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." I don't want to lose another friend. But I won't sacrifice myself to keep one either.

5 comments:

The Guy Who Writes This said...

Jaggy, as long as you can rely on yourself and know that you can be true to yourself. Friends come and go, but you will always be there.

Jaggy said...

Thanks, Mr. The Guy. I'm mostly hoping this friendship doesn't end because someone thinks *I'm* the bad cherry. (Tried as hard as I could to put that in the original post, but there were so many versions...) I know me, and I won't give up me anymore for him.

Jeff Waddell said...

Well, I think that for a friendship to exist there has to be reciprocation of friend qualities/behaviors. Sounds like this situation doesn't qualify. People like that only know how to take...

Mom of Three said...

Smart girl. Pick your friends right and many bad things in life will be completely avoided.

I was raised Italian, so you bet loyalty matters.

I also value honesty a whole bunch.

Jaggy said...

LOL, I am not Italian, but "family first" was drilled into me from birth. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying honesty isn't as important - it is! With loyalty comes honesty, and a dishonest act is therefore a disloyal act. :) Not that I've given this much thought or anything... ;)