Saturday, December 23, 2006

I Don't Like Candles!

While some people love the flowery and fruity scents, the warm glow, and the soft light, I freakin' hate candles. They just sit there. They collect dust. Or else they take up valuable shelf space hiding away avoiding dust. I take special joy in watching a seemingly beautiful candle wilt and fold under slight heat. Allow me to expound...

1. Candles don't actually provide much heat value. One candle does not provide enough heat to warm a house, let alone a tent. If you do have enough candles in your house to heat it, you also have a fire hazard. And if you have a candle in a tent, well... good luck with that.
2. Candles don't actually provide much light. Unless it's a hundred-wick candle completely ablaze in a small room with seventeen lamps, it's not going to give off much light. Eating by candlelight? I actually like to see my food before I eat it, thank you.
3. But they're so romantic! I fail to see how something burning, something so faint and short-lived can be romantic. Put up some mini lights and call it good, seriously.
4. What about when the power goes out? Wind-up LED flashlights and lanterns are a lot safer and reusable than a candle. I might concede just a little tiny bit about how candles are an option here, but there are definitely alternatives that don't create as much smoke.
5. Candles smell good and are relaxing. Umm... they give me headaches. I've only ever smelled one candle that did smell good, but it was also burning the pumpkin up at the same time. (Okay, Jack O'Lanterns are one positive use of candles.)

You know what my favorite thing to do with a candle is? Re-gifting. Especially those intricately carved ones that people automatically assume I'll love because they're art. I'd rather watch the artist carve the candle than ever own one... the art is in the process, not in the burning. Some people love them, but I don't like candles!

If someone can accurately capture the scent of Oregon rain and mildew, of a summery grass field, or of a good book... maybe... or "fresh-showered boy..." now THAT would be sweet!

1 comment:

The Guy Who Writes This said...

Jaggy, I'm liking you more every day.
I'll take a double mantle coleman in power failure any day.