Sunday, June 03, 2007

Depression Confession

I had a fantastic post planned today, a whole pile of drivel for you to read. But now that it's written, I realize how fake it all is. In my effort toward making this blog as honest as possible, I either run out of new things to say, or I post the senselessness rattling around in my brain bucket. Today, you get some history and a whole lot of honesty.

I was a confident, independent girl, always out to be the best. I had the highest grades and stood out in every way possible through grade and middle school. When I hit high school, I didn't really know where to go, which group to be a part of. I joined the band, met a guy that I thought rocked my world, and proceeded to lose just about every friend I had. The guy was a senior, three years older than I, and controlling. Lost, alone, and unaware of my place in school, I looked to him to tell me things. We dated about six months, and he essentially told me where to go and what to do. I could only eat lunch with him. I had to call every day after school. He told me he loved me, and as much as I wanted that to be true, I didn't believe it. I couldn't believe it. One time, I saw him get frustrated with a girl. He grabbed her by the shoulders and started shaking her. His temper was shorter than any I've seen before or since. I still dated him, a few more weeks, I think, until we were hanging out at a school function one night. He pulled me out into the hallway, pinned me to a wall, and tried to do God knows what with me. I freed myself, and promptly "Dear John"-ed him: I haven't spoken to him since.

That six month period, combined with a pile of teenage angst, spun me into a depression. I disengaged from any sort of a social life. I didn't have another boyfriend until I was in college. With one exception, I don't remember my sophomore year of high school. I don't remember ever feeling suicidal, but I was very, very depressed. Every smile was forced. It was a dark time. Thankfully, I had (still have, really) a few amazing friends that didn't give up on me, and my last two years of high school are wonderful memories.

I've both struggled with and enjoyed different moments of depression in my life. I've stopped running away from problems, preferring to deal immediately if I can. College taught me to rely on myself more than ever. And my faith has grown in more ways that I could have imagined.

I don't have a final thought to end this post. Life continues, depressed or not, and I'm still trying to hold on. Can't be better than I am.

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