Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Opposites Don't Attract

When I was younger, I had a hard time reconciling the many faces of me, the entirely separate identities. I was one person at home, one person at school, and someone totally different at work. As I grew and matured, my different identities slowly evolved into one consistent identity. By the time I was 20 or so, I was the same person at home that I was at school or work.

But now, as I dance and work and have non-dancing friends and get to know other people, my life is being pulled in opposite directions. My oldest friends are noticing the change. I can't describe it, but I'm splitting up inside, battling myself as I try to reconcile two opposing forces.

On one side, I have my liberal friends, my loud and funny friends, my dearest and best friends. On the other side, I have my conservative friends who are good for long talks and tons of dancing. (Oddly, the conservative ones are the dancers--go figure.) The two sides overlap incredibly little... and as much as I adore dancing, I'm loyal to the end with my non-dancing friends.

It doesn't sound like it should be a problem, right? Why would having both kinds of people in my life be such a big deal? In order to fit in with either side, I have to sacrifice what the other side holds dear. The crazy friends are crass and vulgar, and they consider me boring and juvenile due to my overwhelming inexperience in "adult matters." But because I've kissed boys, the conservative group has all but shunned me for immoral behavior.

One side dislikes that I hang out with so many Bible-thumpers, while the other side can't stand that I don't go to church. One side thinks I dress too conservatively, and the other makes a face when I wear a shirt that's supposedly too tight. One side can't believe I've lived with boys (successfully!), and the other sees no problem with cohabitation.

I can't hope to please everyone all of the time. I don't intend to take sides. Never in my life have I wanted to fit in or be part of the in-crowd. But it would be really nice if there was some sort of happy medium here, some way I could be accepted for both my inexperience and independence and for my knowledge and hard-won life lessons.


Aaron said...

Friends should be there to help you make decisions for you, not to impose their version of morality on you.

Put another way: a friend who won't accept perfectly reasonable choices you make in your life isn't much of a friend.

Areson said...

Hm...I haven't kissed any guys, but I'm pretty sure I've kissed some girls...so I guess that makes me immoral too...

Anonymous said...

Aaron stole my thunder. If friends can't accept you as you are they aren't friends,just people you know.Fook'em

any chance you could post a picture wearing one of those "too tight" shirts? :>)

Jaggy said...

My, such a popular post! Thanks for all the comments. :)

Aaron is right: I'm doing things for my friends instead of myself. A tragic fault, and one I hope to slowly correct. My choices have been entirely reasonable, and I shouldn't feel like I'm being judged.

If only my "friends" will learn to not judge...

Anonymous: I don't know about posting pictures of myself on here, but we'll see. :P