Monday, October 15, 2007

We look hardest at ourselves...

...unfairly judging each flaw with a critical and often self-destructive eye. Sometimes that careful introspection allows us a positive change. For me, though, it's a rough and endless process as I continue to mold myself into a better version of "me" each day.

I wrote recently about how I think my friends are judging me. In part, they are. They have their biases and opinions, and they're entitled to believe what they wish. However, in the middle of a deep conversation with myself the last couple days, I've realized I'm judging myself through their eyes. I feel like I'm not living up to the person I think they want me to be. Even worse, I have no idea what people want me to be.

Then, later, I questioned myself again. Why am I so worried about this? Am I feeling guilty over something or ashamed of another thing or have doubts about something else? Is there a bigger force at work here driving me to think about these things?

I love who I am, the woman I've become, and the character traits I exhibit. I could make lists of all those great things, but they are not the reason for this post. I'm tired of people making poor judgments about me when they don't have all the facts. I'm frustrated that I still feel pulled in opposite directions, though I do know it's likely my own thoughts instead of actual outward signals from others.

I refuse to feel guilty for having diverse friends. I don't regret any decisions. Whether you like me or not, I'm a good person. I know that. And I'm not going to stand around wondering what you think of me or questioning who I think you want me to be. I have better things to do.

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