Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Further Proof that NO Subject is Taboo on my Blog (yes, it's about farting!)

I once had a boss who was a very powerful lady. She had influence with important people all over Oregon. She could turn from a politician to a professor and get them to agree on issues they'd otherwise squabble over, and neither one would dare fight her on the matter. I don't know if it was a diet thing or a body thing, but my boss also had gas. A LOT.

The first time I noticed it, we were all in the office minding our own business. From the next room, I hear *pfffff, PFFFFFF.* She let 'er rip loudly. As a college student, I was well-aware that my giggles needed to be suppressed. I held my laughter back until my eyes bulged. For the next hour, my boss alternated between high and low trumpeting. The smell eventually reached our office, and we all sat in agony until our day ended at 5pm.

The next time I realized my boss might have a flatulence problem was when we were walking from one building to another. She got the "walkin' trots" and let little bits of gas slide with every step. Again, my giggles almost got the best of me. How do you even say something about that to someone? I didn't know, so I just kept my mouth shut.

After a few months of experiencing the woman letting it all go, I began to realize she simply didn't care if people noticed. She went for it. She would let 'em slide in big, professional meetings with important people she needed to impress. She'd pass gas while having lunch with foreign dignitaries. She just didn't care what people thought.

I used to have nightmares about farting in front of people. Of course, it was always okay to try and out-do my sister (we didn't have brothers for competition, and we set the bar high), but a proper lady wouldn't dare admit to such things (because girls don't actually smell bad ever). I get gas. Dairy products do it to me. Beef is awful in my system. Beans, eggs, the usual culprits... it's all going to cause gas. Even wheat and rice! It's not that my digestive system is fussy (rarely), but the simple fact that I am human and I fart, okay!? And like that boss I once had, I'm not going to apologize for it. Feel free to "cut the cheese" or "blow the horn" or "trouser cough," I won't laugh. No need to apologize, there likely wasn't anything you could do to stop it anyway. Maybe if we all learned to let go a little, life would be that much easier.

So yeah. I never thought I'd be so desperate for a blog post that I'd write about flatulence. I was wrong. I'm sorry. Okay, no I'm not. But I will try not to let it happen again.

1 comment:

MissKris said...

How old was she??? An over-abundance of gas is one of the less-talked-about pitfalls of the menopausal years. You should hear ME when I'm out walking with the grandkids, hahahaha! It's AWFUL but you learn to just go with the flow. I once had an older gentleman at church stop by the pew I was sitting in and as he leaned over to say something to a person across the aisle from me, he let a BIG one practically in my face! What a HOOT this post was, Jaggy!