Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Who's on my side?

I find it odd that the people who support me most in my journey to learn are the people who are pressuring me the least to make decisions or define who I am. It's the people who don't support me that are telling me I need this or that.

Many of my friends want to label me. They want me to label myself even. "Pick something and be that," they say, as if deciding to become Methodist or Buddhist or Jewish is something I can just *poof* do. They want to be able to introduce me in their church clique as "X label" instead of having to explain that I'm a friend with questions instead of a label.

I'm not an indecisive person, nor am I afraid to select which group I want to be a part of. I do, however, want to understand what I might be getting myself into. I want to know what things mean to each church before jumping into them. Some have told me that I'm not "following Christ's example" by waiting and learning (versus blindly doing). Rubbish, all if it.

None of my family has been there for me lately, especially now that I've told them I *gasp* talked to a deacon. That's right, we talked. It's not like he performed an exorcism or gave me superpowers or anything... I'm not changing who I am or what I believe just because of that one conversation. It is frustrating, though, to realize that my family isn't cheering for me right now. They either don't understand or don't want to understand. I know they love me, but I'm not sure how to start the conversation about any of this. I mean, sheesh, it's not like I'm moving to Australia or anything... after ten months, I figure if any massive changes are going to happen in my life, they already would have.

It is nice to know that a few people really are on my side right now. The Boy has been a huge source of comfort, and one of my coworkers is super excited for me. He's just an old farmer-type guy with bounding energy and a great wit. Other than that, though, I'm feeling pretty lost.

Not complaining. I'm doing this for me, not for anyone else. I'm not going to label myself simply because others want to be able to refer to me as something. My faith isn't changing (growing, slowly perhaps). I'm still me. And sometimes I feel very alone.

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