Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Engagement rings don't come with instructions...

You might think it's easy having an engagement ring. What fiancées aren't telling you are some hilarious things I'm only beginning to learn:

1. Do not rub your eye with the back of your hand. There's a ring there now, and diamond is much harder than eyeball.

2. Do not sleep on your hand. Ring dents take hours to fade from a cheek.

3. People will ask you to take the ring off so they can see it better. Don't. They will also rub the top of your diamond with their thumb. This increases their luck of... getting fingerprints on your jewelry. They also might try to put it on their own finger: it will get stuck.

4. It doesn't matter if the diamonds are huge or tiny, flawless or imperfect: people want to know if the rocks are real. If you answer anything but "yes," they give you a disapproving look. I suggest switching things up every once in a while with, "no, they're not real, they're made of super-compressed animal furs and toothpicks we found in the jungle, and it glows under orange light."

5. You will be caught staring at/into the ring.

6. The ring will come with unsolicited advice about engagements and wedding planning. Get used to it early. If you really don't like someone's unsolicited advice, it's always fun to reply, "well, my grandma/aunt/mom really wants us to have dandelions and ferns as flowers," or "actually, I was thinking about having my niece cater the reception. She's only seven years old, but we think she'll do a great job at flipping burgers someday."

7. Memorize your engagement story so that you can spout it in ten seconds. Everyone will ask you to tell the story from the beginning even though you're halfway through it talking to someone else. Keep people on their toes by changing minute details, like the location or the guy's name.

8. Now you not only have to worry about accidentally keying your car in the dark, but you need to be careful not to scratch it with your ring. Diamonds will quickly shred car paint.

9. Be careful when having spontaneous bursts of excitement. Fiancés don't appreciate being gouged as you flail your hands and attempt to tell a story in one breath. They're less receptive to any idea if they're bleeding and in pain.

10. People will tell you to enjoy your engagement. What they don't tell you is how much work it is to plan a wedding, prepare for your more-exciting-and-imminent-than-ever future, and actually have time for your relationship in the process.

I'm enjoying it, really, I am! :)


cm0978 said...

You'll have to talk with Kevin's aunt Linda (who worked in the jewelry store) about how to clean your ring. (Not that I ever do mine......)

whit-o-roni said...

ha ha. this made me laugh out loud. no really, i said "ha ha!" at one point.

Strayer said...

I never even thought about the dangers of wearing a diamond ring, like scratching paint or your eye. That's very funny.