Thursday, April 09, 2009

Compare, Compare: Part 2, the Apology

The meaning was right, the wording was wrong. I was wrong. Allow me to apologize.

Recently, I posted a rant about how much I dislike being judged regarding my own wedding plans. What I'd intended to be a discourse on the trials of opening up my relationship to the world turned into a selfish monologue. I failed to explain myself fully or to find ways to allow advice without being mean about it. I received several comments highlighting my shortcoming, and I would like to rewrite what I originally intended.

People care about weddings. It's big business. Everyone gets excited and wants to share in the big day. When The Boy and I became engaged, when we opened up our tiny relationship to the world, we had no idea just how many people would come out of the woodwork with ideas. Family certainly was excited, though they've actually left us alone for the most part. It's nice not being pressured by those closest to us to have the wedding they've always wanted, but rather gently pushed to have the wedding we want. Thanks to those who have been so helpful.

Every once in a while, though, we stumble on people who make a point of comparing us to themselves or others. One occasion found us glued to a couch with a true bridezilla having a "moment" right there with us. She described how she's forcing her bridesmaids to sign contracts requiring certain hair lengths and colors. She pushed us to know our budget and how we were financing our day. After snobbily depicting her $10,000 outdoors-in-November-in-Oregon-because-it's-pretty (are you nuts!?) wedding, we'd both had enough. When she exclaimed that I was stupid for wanting to hand-make my own invitations and that I'd be too stressed (I'm crafty and love doing that kind of thing), we quickly ended the conversation. She obviously had no interest in helping us create the wedding we want.

The other moment I remember involves a happily married woman. She found out we're planning our wedding and lit into me about my options. She went so far as to offer to help me buy the flowers so I could grow them myself. She wanted to make my bridesmaid dresses for me. She was heavily invested in something I hadn't even looked into yet. Telling her that we're not planning to grow flowers to save money or that we hadn't even decided on colors yet was almost too much for her. She flew into a rage demanding that I decide on colors right then and there so that she could help me. I told her I'd have to discuss things with my finace. She got in my face about how the groom shouldn't be involved. That's when I ended the chat: The Boy is 50% of this process, and if she didn't like it, she could find another couple to harass.

When we became engaged, we didn't expect to be so overwhelmed with advice. We didn't anticipate being lumped in a pile with everyone else that is getting engaged. It's hard to go from our tight little two-some to a wide-open relationship where everyone wants to know every detail like they're in on some secret. The purpose of my original post was never to offend, only to inform. Planning a wedding is hard enough when we're trying to sort through the dozens of decisions we need to make, let alone tossing emotional advice and reminiscing on the load.

If family or friends have real advice (like not having a wedding on an OSU home football game day in Corvallis) or helpful suggestions (don't pick super-young flower girls: they rarely do what they're supposed to do), we do appreciate them. However, if you find that your ideas are being dismissed, please don't be offended. We're trying to make our day ours.

Apologies to anyone who thought my original post was dismissive. I have no intention of being a bridezilla. Additionally, my blog is often the only outlet I have for rants and raves. If you don't like what I'm saying, you always have the option of not reading.

1 comment:

bettse said...

From a guy point of view, this is really eye opening. I think that if I ever propose, I'm going to give my bride-to-be a taser along with the ring so she can appropriately deal with any bridezillas. I'm also going to hope that she never uses it on me.