Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Not Good Enough

It's the story of my life lately. Okay, not just lately, it's a continuing theme. Today, though, someone struck a nerve. I had a horrible day. Between being accused of something I not only didn't do but would never do, being teased about becoming Catholic, and being reprimanded for not doing something that wasn't my job in the first place, I had a difficult eight hours at the office.

Being teased or questioned about Catholicism isn't something new to me. I'm fairly well-versed in apologetics at this point. I can answer almost any basic question and most of the odd questions, too, about my new religion. However, mocking the priesthood, making incorrected (uneducated) gestures, and suggesting that I don't understand what it means to be Catholic (!?!) was all too much for me. I knew the cross wouldn't be fun to bear all the time, but one week into being Catholic is a little fast to start the harping.

I won't go into specifics about the accusations at work, but it can be summarized thus: I have too many bosses who are incapable of communicating between themselves. They each yearn for power, each want me as their own peon, and none can figure out why that won't work. So I have to learn, still and again, to manage my managers. And that, friends, is not easy.

It's a theme, though. From those days as a little girl learning to ride a bike to the moment yesterday when I had to tell The Boy how much I love him, it feels like I never do well enough. I feel like I'm stuck not making people happy, not satisfying, not doing well enough to move forward. Worse, I keep telling myself it's my fault. I blame myself. I tell myself that I'm not trying hard enough, that I can do better. I know I can always do better. That just makes it worse. I can love more, work harder, think smarter... still, not good enough. It's never enough.

I grew up being taught that I'm supposed to know when I'm good enough. I'm supposed to be the one that says "I'm proud of me." But when I'm constantly getting negative feedback, it's hard. It's frustrating. Being not good enough sucks.

I've had enough with not being good enough.


whit-o-roni said...

you'll always be good enough for me! even when you think you're not. :)

and even if you're marrying a germy, smelly, and cootie covered BOY... you're still my other half!

Jaggy said...

aww, thanks!

cm0978 said...

It's funny because I was just talking with Fr. Ben today about how I frequently beat myself up about not being good enough or perfect. He got me to realize that it is myself who never feels that I am good enough, that most other people don't even realize that I don't feel good enough. You have to give yourself permission to be less than perfect. So for those few minutes after walking away from his office, I felt that way. Now tomorrow...... And I'm sorry that you are facing "persecution" already about your faith. I wish it was different for you.

Strayer said...

Me, too, tired of judgemental demanding people that you can't do enough for and it's never good enough or enough. But forget about it all, as I am trying to do. We're all really very much nothing in this universe. So teensy little superficial judgemental power crazed egos are nothing more than less-than-specks in the vastness of space and time. Laugh your head off at these idiots then go on with your life. In your mind, picture them as bullfrogs or big slimy garden slugs with human heads barking stupid human demands or judgements. I'm hoping to follow my own advice, after a difficult few days. I managed to bloat my human relation problems into a significance they do not deserve.