Sunday, November 15, 2009

Dear Food Network

I'd like to make a few suggestions in your programming. While I adore Good Eats and Unwrapped, I'm not so fond of your general show line-up. The shows are okay, I suppose, but the food people dream up and put on TV, well, not all of us can really do that. Not all of us are EVOO connoisseurs, and some of us just can't afford the good stuff. Plain ol' canola oil is going to have to do the trick. Peanut oil? Are you kidding? Safflower-lavender-parsnip-and-cow-tongue oil? Seriously, if I can't cook it either with vegetable oil--the off-brand stuff--or no oil at all, I don't cook it.

Many of us don't exactly splurge on sea salt when we can get the Tub o' Salt with the umbrella girl on it for 1/10th the price. And let me tell ya, sea salt and table NaCl taste pretty much exactly the same. It's salt. And it's really not that good for you in large quantities, so stop using it in every freaking recipe.

Why do all of your shows feature half- or under-cooked meat? There are a few of us in the world that actually like our meat cooked. We like no pink. We like juicy, flavorful, amazing DONE food. We take the time to prepare food that isn't going to kill one of our family members because some butcher can't keep his knives clean. We get our meat above the high temperatures that kill bad stuff and make the food taste better. The only meat that should be pink when served is salmon thankyouverymuch.

Oh, and what is it with all the fish? I live less than an hour from the Pacific Ocean, but there's no way I can afford to cook fish more than once a month or even once every few months. Halibut? Are you really considering what some people earn? Maybe you should try highlighting fish sticks, the cheap yellow-box kind, covered in Tabasco, mushed up in some rice, and shoveled down with beer. Because I bet more than a few people live on fish sticks and rice.

Calm down with the garlic, chill out on the grilling, and for all that is holy, please knock off the food competitions. I don't care who makes the best banana chili, I just want recipes and ideas of things I can actually afford to make for my little family. Not meals that serve 18, not super-fancy table settings, not six-ingredients-or-less, and not something that has to be done in 30-minutes (can't stand that woman!). Normal, ordinary, make-it-on-the-weekends comfort food for two or four people that doesn't kill my budget. That I don't have to go to five stores to find all the ingredients. That isn't mexi-japanese.

Oh, and fire that Bobby Flay turkey. I don't like him.

1 comment:

whit-o-roni said...

AMEN, sister!!

this was HILARIOUS, by the way...