Saturday, February 13, 2010

Wedding Rant: Ceremony No-Nos

The wedding ceremony is a highly customizable part of the day. Couples get to pick from the entire Bible what readings they want. They can choose to not have scripture readings and instead have ancient stories or family stories told. The couple can choose to have a short vows-only ceremony, and other couples can have an entire Catholic Mass (a whole hour, the horror! *sarcasm*). I have three ceremony rants: very young wedding attendants, the bridal entrance, and the sand ceremony.

Unless the flower girls, ring bearers, bridesmaids, or groomsmen are siblings or the couple's own children over the age of five, they should be wedding guests only. Everyone I've talked to finds it "so cute" to see a toddler waddle down the aisle with big doe eyes of embarrassment or not understanding fully what their job is. These poor children are almost guaranteed to make mistakes, forget their place or duty, and end up either not going down the aisle at all or running full-bore down the aisle into mommy's arms. Who, at three years old, wouldn't have immediate stage fright when walking down a church aisle flanked by big, scary people? The task of flower girl, ring bearer, bridesmaid, or groomsman belongs to someone capable of filling the shoes. It's a performance, not a circus. Leave the job to kids between five and ten years old, please!

Growing up, I always dreamed of walking down the aisle to Pachelbel's Canon in D. That was, until I realized that every wedding I've been to included this HORRIBLE song. The Man and I were afraid to discuss the music options for our wedding with our musicians because we figured they'd demand this song. We were so (thankfully) wrong! Our musicians were thrilled to not have to play the same eight notes over and over again! Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring is right up there on this awful list, as is Wagner's Wedding March. I can't stand these songs at weddings! There are millions of other songs out there... pick anything else, lest I have to stick my fingers in my ears and hum loudly.

And the sand ceremony. The sand ceremony, in case you've been lucky enough to not sit through it, is a piece of a wedding where two people pour different colors of fake sand into a glass bowl to symbolize the coming together of their lives. Sometimes they'll even leave a bit of unmixed sand in the side containers to symbolize that they aren't completely giving of themselves and maintain their own independence. Riiiiight, because that's a message I would want to send to my husband on our wedding day, "I'm only committed to this 98%." Many churches won't even allow the sand ceremony as it isn't a fair representation of two lives joining. Unlike a unity candle which can be reused later, the sand ceremony results in a fish bowl full of sand. Should it be tipped, the sand further mixes until a more-or-less homogenous dirt color is achieved. Then the bowl o' dirt gets put on a mantle. Where I think it looks like ashes. Happy wedding, we're dead! If a couple insists on having the sand ceremony, I think it is better suited to the reception where each person gets a little packet of colored sand to pour in on behalf of the couple, resulting in a very mixed bowl symbolizing the coming together of their families. A bowl that will eventually all get mixed up. Hopefully unlike the family tree.


Skunk said...

Wow. Had no idea about the sand ceremony, and I SOOO hope I never have to. Hilarious. I laughed so hard reading it! :)

Dr. Weirdbeard said...

"Happy wedding, we're dead!"

I'm so happy with this statement that I'm proud.

I don't know if you understand what I mean, but high-5's are in order next time we meet.