Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Dear Ugg Wearers Everywhere

Dear Ugg Wearers Everywhere:

For the record, Uggs are not shoes.  Let's make that clear from the start.  They are not shoes, have never been shoes, and will never be shoes.  They are slippers.  And they make you look like a flippin' idiot when you wear them outside your house.

Consider, if you will, the necessity of a slipper that reaches halfway to your knee.  Even Eskimos, those hardy people who live in the coldest climate on earth, don't wear a slipper that extends that high. Unless you're planning to tromp through the wilds of Siberia, there's no need to be that warm.

I arrived to work this morning only to hear my second least-favorite sound on earth: that of someone wearing Uggs not picking up their feet as they walk.  It's called the Ugg Shuffle--no joke!  While the slushing of fake leather on tile floors was grating enough, I turned to peek at the offender before slipping into my office.  Complete with a ripped crocheted scarf, clown sunglasses, and the requisite orange skin, this Eskaho satisfied every stereotype about college women these days.  I couldn't help but snicker.

When it comes to style, Uggs are on par with Crocs.  Unless you enjoy looking like you have fat feet, are thrilled with poor arch support and the likelihood of a fungal infection, and are too lazy to tie a pair of shoes, don't wear either kind of shoes.  Really, they're bad for your feet!  I won't even get into what they're like on the environment...

"But they're warm!" you say?  Buy a heater, buy those bend-and-smash hand warmers and stuff them in your socks, buy real boots (you know, the black leather kind, the ones with style, and wear them inside your pants, please).  Hell, buy a pair of Sorel boots.  You'll save over $100 per pair compared to Uggs, plus your feel will be toasty and dry all day long.  Not to mention how much healthier your feet will be, how much more traction you'll have, and how much longer the boots will last.

Okay, okay, you're all about fashion, not comfort or money.  Consider this: Uggs give you cankles.  It is impossible to wear a slipper so poorly designed and not look like you have cankles.  There's no "slimming" feature built into Uggs.  And nobody wants cankles.

Ugg wearers everywhere?  The Ugg shuffle has got to go.  Please buy proper shoes.  Please wear your proper shoes correctly.  And, for the love of fashion everywhere, don't wear your slippers in public.  Dress like the woman (or man) I know you can be.

Not a fan of Ugg-induced cankles,

P.S.  Rain boots, flip-flops, and pants-worn-inside-boots are not acceptable substitutes unless you are (respectively!) standing in an ankle-deep puddle, relaxing on a sandy beach, or on a horse.

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