Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Dear Yogurt Manufacturers

To the Nice Innovator People at Dannon, Yoplait, and other national (and local) yogurt places:

I understand that many people, most people even, like fruit in their yogurt.  They like fruity flavors, fruit chunks, even whole fruits in their yogurt.  There are people who like granola or oatmeal or corn flakes in their yogurt.  Some are fond of graham crackers or corn chips or all manner of other crunchy foods as an additive.  I am not one of those people.

You see, I like pudding.  Butterscotch pudding is probably the most heavenly thing on earth, on par with a good cheesecake in my opinion.  The consistency of pudding is spectacular.  Yogurt, likewise, has a fine consistency.  But yogurt has a tang that pudding doesn't.  I'm not a fan of the tang.  It just won't go down.  That tangy yogurty flavor hits my tongue and promptly causes reflexes I don't think I'm supposed to have.

Furthermore, there's nothing quite as disconcerting as taking a nice, creamy bite of pudding and hitting something with a different texture.  Pudding doesn't have bumps or lumps or chewy bits in it (or it shouldn't!), no gelatinous pieces, no thicker parts, and certainly no looser parts.  Yogurt, likewise, shouldn't have bits in it.  No different texture areas, no cream on top, no fruit on the bottom.  I mean, really, the quality of the fruit in yogurt can't be good.  And nothing says gross like slimy strawberry bits that have already been partly digested by the bacteria soup they're sitting in.  Yuck.

Nice yogurt manufacturers, can you make an adult-oriented non-vanilla yogurt without chunks?  Even your "creamy" drinks have chunks, and I'm sorry, I'm not okay with that.  I don't like firm bits hitting my lips or clogging the straw.  A few types of non-vanilla yogurt are chunk-free, but Trix yogurt? Uh, last time I checked, Trix are for kids.  I think I'd look pretty silly pulling up to the lunch table with my middle-aged coworkers and eating from a container with cartoons on it.

Not to mention the sugar content in children's yogurt!  Parents think they're feeding their kids something healthy, but nooooooo, it's a ruse.  All that "healthy" fruit has been replaced by sugar!  Every yogurt container I looked at contained more than nine grams of sugar.  A half-cup serving with that much sugar might as well just be raw sugar.

I'm just asking for a healthy, adult-oriented, fruit-free, non-vanilla-flavored yogurt that isn't whipped, shaken, or over-processed.  And doesn't have that nasty, nasty tang.

If you could make it taste exactly like butterscotch pudding, that'd be incredible.  Chocolate cake would be a great second.  Hell, pepperoni flavored would score major points, too.

I know it's a lot to ask, but I can't be the only one in this boat.  Good luck in your quest.  Hope to hear from you soon and all that.

Peace, love, and lactobacillus acidophilus,

Jaggy

3 comments:

Melissa said...

Walmart (Great Value brand) has a creamy no chunk or bits yogurt...at least in 2 flavors, raspberry and key lime (although key lime would probably be too tangy just because it's lime) Both my husband and I can't stand chunky fruit in our yogurt. We've also tried their strawberry and strawberry banana - but they both have bits of stuff in them. So we usually just stick with the raspberry and key lime. Their light version has an orange cream flavor that is smooth and creamy...if you like "creamsicle" flavor. I would be in heaven if they made a blueberry flavor that was completely chunk free!

Kristin Placek said...

I totally agree! I hate chunks in my yogurt. When they are there I either eat around them or just swallow quickly hoping that I won't notice the big gross piece of strawberry going down.

Jaggy said...

Thanks for the tip, Melissa. I bet the creamsicle flavor would cover up some of the nasty tang I don't like so much. Since my town (thankfully) doesn't have a Wal-mart, I'll have to check at Winco and Safeway for similar flavors.

KP: You hit the nail on the head with the big gross piece of strawberry comment. Yuckity-yuck!