Monday, May 09, 2011

Some days I wish I could just change myself

I don't know where to start.  Grandma always told me that I'd never be able to change a guy.  When I met The Man, I was sure he was perfect and that I'd never have to change him.  I mean, really, he is the only guy in the world who doesn't judge me for being me.  He's everything I always wanted and then some.

It's the "and then some" part that I didn't fully realize until we got married. :)

I knew no marriage is perfect, and neither of us had unrealistic ideas of marriage when we got hitched.  We knew there would be hard times--and there certainly have been.  We were hopeful for some good times, which we've experienced more than we could have imagined.  Nobody prepared us for the in-between times.  Nobody warned us about the little stuff, the petty stuff, the stupid non-fight fights, the I-love-you-deeply-but-if-you-don't-empty-the-dishwasher-I'm-going-to...  Our marriage prep classes didn't exactly cover that part.  How to get pregnant, how to not get pregnant, how to handle finances, how to deal with a new family we may or may not like (phew!), how to not kill each other when the kids are screaming, we understand those things.  We're really, really good at communicating.  We're fantastic at being there for each other.  We hardly spend a dime without discussing it (at length) first.  Sometimes, though, we're just not on the same wavelength at all.

What is "trying to change" someone?  What is it?  Am I trying to change The Man when I ask him to please, please, please stop or start doing something?  Is he trying to change me when he requests that cook a meal differently?  Is asking someone to sort the laundry a "better" way changing them?  Or is inquiring why they eat their sandwich with peanut butter on both slices of bread instead of just one side of the sandwich trying to change them?

When is "trying to change" someone not trying?  When is a request simply a request?  When is asking for a behavioral change a call for compromise and not for true "change"?  What makes a change a change?

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